Loneliness and Allah's Mercy As It Once Came to Me

Does it ever happen that you just feel so alone? Like no one is there to listen to you? I've felt like that. It's a very desolate feeling. Sometimes it has to do with people around you whether they be friends or family, but I think most of the time it has to do with your soul. The relationship that a human being craves the most is with their Creator-and why not? If Allah has created us and gave us a soul, we need to have a connection with Him. No matter what the cause of this loneliness and distress is, the solution is always Allah (SWT)-to turn back to Him, to talk to Him because He is the Only One who can solve our problems. But then it may seem like Allah (SWT) is not listening or He is too far away. These are just some of the things that may cross a person's mind due to Shaitan's incessant whispers. But when one remembers what Allah (SWT) said in a Hadith Qudsi about Him replying back to us in Surah Fatiha when we say each ayah, it makes us realize that Allah (SWT) does talk to us even if we don't hear or see Him. This is the Hadith that I always use to reassure myself and Alhamdulillah, it always works. A while back, I was going through a spiritual crisis. I felt like I was losing the connection with Allah (SWT). I felt like I was becoming a Kafir because I wasn't believing in Allah anymore and all this had happened overnight. Although I knew I was mentally insisting on something impossible, I still said "Why isn't Allah listening to me? Why isn't He replying?" I knew the answer-because we are not meant to perceive Allah (SWT)'s physical presence in this life-it is part of our faith in the unseen but whether it was my own mind or just Shaitan's whispers, I was going crazy. I just didn't know what to do but I was afraid of dying in a state of Kufr. I opened up the Qur'an and started reading from any random page but it did not help. I remembered what I once heard from someone: that you should read the Qur'an and imagine that it is directed only to you then it may feel like Allah (SWT) is talking to you directly. Even when I thought of this, I still did not believe it. Never having been a person who regularly prays, I turned to Allah (SWT) desperately and tried my best to get Him to listen to me. I cried and begged Him to give me Iman again and to guide me to the Straight Path. This continued on for a couple of days and one day at school while sitting in Algebra class, I pretended for a split second that "what if Allah did not exist? then what?" and I could not imagine the purpose of our creation then. I could not think about how and why we came into this world and who even created it? This feeling of Allah not existing made me want to just die. Earlier, I had always felt that "Allah is watching me, He is taking care of me, He knows what's in my heart this very second." Then I thought, if Allah wasn't there, these feelings wouldn't be there and without the existence of Allah , I thought, "what am I doing in this world? what is the purpose of living then? might as well everyone just die instead of wasting their life." Then I realized that the Kuffar who reject Allah (SWT) and don't believe in Him have this feeling everyday of their lives. They don't have the reassurance of someone who watches them every second and protects them. Of course, Allah does take care of the non-Muslims as well, but it just defeats the purpose of living if one doesn't acknowledge or understand Allah's existence. Then the feeling of pity that I always have in my heart for non-Muslims changed into pity for myself. Despite being born and raised as a Muslim in an Islamic environment, I was losing my Iman in a matter of days. The desperation and frustration increased in my heart until I could not take it anymore. I went straight to my Islamic Studies teacher and asked her to help me renew my faith. I told her about my problem and then the things she told me completely changed my dubious thoughts into ones of relief. She told me that just the fact that you wanted to be guided and you turned back to Allah (SWT) for help proves that you are not a Kafir. She told me that sometimes people just need reassurance for the contentment of their soul. She also told me that sometimes Allah (SWT) delays answering our du'as because He likes to see us begging Him for His Mercy and Guidance and that He likes to see how much in need we are of His Love. When she said that, I remembered the same thing that I heard from a Sheikh a few months earlier. He had given the example of a man who turned to Allah (SWT) continuously for some need of his (I forgot) and Allah (SWT) didn't answer his prayers. For a while, this went on until finally Allah (SWT) decided to answer His prayers but the reason for the delay had been the fact that Allah (SWT) wanted to see His servant turning back to Him and asking Him for his needs. When my teacher told me the things she told me and when I remembered this story from the Sheikh, I was so happy that I could not believe it. The joy that I felt was like nothing in the world upon discovering that I was not a Kafir. Of course, Allah (SWT) knows best what is in our hearts but I realized that had I not believed in Allah (SWT), I wouldn't have turned back to Him. I knew and I acknowledged that Allah (SWT) was the only One who could help me and guide me to the Straight Path. And so I left my teacher's room with a feeling of reassurance and joy that I had not been misguided forever and that Allah (SWT) is always there for me as He is for all His servants who seek nearness to Him. Later when I went home and thought of ways to get closer to Allah (SWT), I remembered a hadeeth that said that in sujud, a believer is the closest to Allah (SWT). Another thing I remembered was that my friend had once told me about an ayah in Surah Qaf that says that Allah (SWT) is closer to us than our jugular vein. When I remembered that, I felt like Allah (SWT) was the closest to me and that He was right there, just listening to me and the feeling of tranquility that I felt was like never before. I felt like Allah (SWT) loved me simply because I am His servant and because I sought Nearness to and Guidance from Him. Allah (SWT) had saved me from the whispers of Shaitan and from the misgivings of my own mind and had given me a renewed sense of belief in Him and His Everlasting Mercy. The reason for sharing this story was so that it could be an inspiration and hope for anyone who is distressed regarding their relationship with Allah (SWT). Just call to Him sincerely and you will find that He is always there to answer our prayers. May Allah (SWT) always keep us firm believers in Him and His Messenger and may He always shower us with His Love, Mercy, and Guidance. Ameen.